the end of the semester means i have time to blog...

...and it also means that the wedding day is less than a month away! As I'm cleaning out my room, deciding what I get to keep after I'm married and what I don't, I can't help but think what got me here. I'm 20 years old, just finished my junior year of college (whoop! I'm a senior!!), majoring in something i LOVE, and about to get married in the temple. Five years ago this seemed impossible, but it feels like time has just flew since then. College was always something I dreamed of, but getting married in the temple hasn't. I never thought of it as something I wanted to accomplish in my life, and once I did think of it as something I would like to do, I never thought it would actually be possible for me. In this post, I'm going to take my Bishop's advice, and tell the world what it was that did make it possible. And I have a feeling this is going to be long, so I'm apologizing in advance.

I've heard people say they're grateful for their trials because they eventually make them stronger. I've heard people say that something good comes out of every difficult thing you have to go through in life. I've read Elder Wirthlin's conference talk, "Come What May and Love It," so many times that I've had to print three copies because mine are so used. But this is something I'll struggle with my entire life. The biggest and most difficult trial that I will ever have to go through happened when I was twelve years old. My 20-year-old sister was murdered by her boyfriend. Although I know I'm stronger because I've made it through this, I will never be grateful for it. Even though there may have been good things to come out of the whole situation, I'd give them all up if I could have my sister back. And even though I'll try to take Elder Wirthlin's advice in future struggles, I'll never learn to laugh about this, my family is not sealed in the temple (yet), so it's difficult for me to see the eternal perspective of this situation, and I'm not sure what the Lord can give to us that will compensate for the loss of Lori's, JJ's, and my sister, Bryan's mom, and my mom and dad's daughter. However, since then I have learned to trust in the Father and the Son. They know what They're doing and why, and someday, I will too.

It's still hard to make through her birthday and the day she died, it's still hard to see people who are the same age as she would be live their lives, it's still hard to know that I am older now than she was when she was taken, it was tough to pretend it didn't bother me when I found out her killer was in a prison 20 miles away from my apartment in Tucson, it was especially hard to see the halfway mark of her murderer's prison sentence come and go, and I still can't come to grips with the fact that someday he'll be free to live a normal life, but the rest of us will never be the same. But it's easier now than it used to be, and I know it'll get easier as I continue in life.

Not long after Misty died, I got into drugs and alcohol to ease the pain. It didn't really help, and I knew it, but it was the only thing that could make me feel numb. With the drug use, came a different kind of pain. I hated myself for doing these things I knew were wrong. The self hate came complete with self-injury and cutting. I don't want to get into detail, so to quote Forrest, "that's all i have to say about that"...

Now to the good (or at least better) stuff. I remember the Sunday that was my motivation to start giving church a chance. There was a combined Sunday School meeting about why LDS teenage mothers should give their babies up for adoption. I could see the pain in my mom's eyes as she thought about Misty. Misty was a teenage mom who decided to keep her baby. For that I am eternally grateful. I'm not sure my family would be as strong as it is now without Bryan. I don't remember what was said in my Young Women's class after the meeting, but I do remember the consideration my leaders had for my feelings and thoughts about it. I remember feeling the Spirit like I had never felt it before and I remember that whatever my leader's said, it made me realize that I needed the Gospel in my life.

The Young Women leaders I had are the strongest influences I've ever had throughout my life. At times I know I was difficult to deal with, but whenever I needed someone to call in the middle of the night, a ride home from a bad situation, wake-up calls from the bad decisions I was making, or words of encouragement and advice, they were willing to do it. I got priesthood blessings from their husbands, countless letters and notes, and role models of who I wanted to be in life. Many of them are still a part of my life and I still look up to them. The pioneer trek I participated in also greatly strengthened my testimony; I still go back and read my journal entries from the trek when I need uplifting. It was amazing. At some point, I thought I would like to get married in the temple, but I was not convinced it was possible.

I had ups and downs in high school and it took me a few years to clean up my act, but finally at the end of my junior year, I was done with all of it. That's when I met Ferenc. We started dating and I fell in love with him really quick. After dating for more than a year, Ferenc enlisted with the Army. That summer was the summer I knew I wanted to be with him for the rest of my life. I was off to college and he was off to basic training, and I knew that if I wanted to break up with him, that would be the time, but I knew I loved him and he was mine for the taking.

My dad is not LDS and I love him more than anything, so I was willing to marry someone who was not LDS. Ferenc started getting interested in the Church when he was in basic. My testimony was also growing when I started going to single's ward in Tucson. I was choosing to go to church even though I didn't have to. When Ferenc came home from basic, I was reluctant to start any efforts to get him baptized. I didn't want Ferenc to convert for me. I was afraid of him getting baptized because he thought it was what I wanted, and then later being inactive and blaming me for him being in the Church. I wanted him to get baptized if he wanted to, but not get baptized if he didn't want to. So, I decided that he would tell me if/when he was ready and I wouldn't push it. Well, Ferenc was waiting for me get something started so he never said anything to me.

Luckily, Bro. Jones was insightful and took Ferenc and I under his wing. He took Ferenc aside one day, and I don't know what he said to him, but whatever it was, it opened Ferenc's eyes and made him take initiative. We started taking the discussions at the Jones' home and Ferenc knew he wanted to be baptized. We finished the discussions in Tucson and the missionaries helped Ferenc come up with a baptism date. Bro. Jones baptized Ferenc, but he did more than that. He told a story at the baptism that I will never forget. With that story, I knew I could get married in the temple and that I WOULD get married in the temple. I think of that story every time I've doubted our ability to go to the temple, every time I made a decision that got us closer to going in the temple, every time I was sad when Ferenc was away in Iraq. That story keeps me motivated to keep going.

But that's not all that keeps me going. During all of this, my testimony grew so strong. Praying everyday, reading my scriptures everyday, and watching Ferenc be converted, helped my belief in the Gospel turn into knowledge of the Gospel.

I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the true church. I know that Thomas S. Monson is today's living prophet. I know that what I read in the Book of Mormon is truth and I love sharing it with other people. I know that Jesus Christ lived and died for me, and I am so grateful for the role of the Atonement in my life. I'm so grateful for temples and for the knowledge of eternal families. I know that my future family will be eternal, and someday, I'll be sealed to my parents and siblings. I love my Heavenly Father and Jesus and know that they love me, and no knowledge will ever be more precious in my life!